DIANA, WHAT’S GOOD?
Welcome to the blog and to the very first Power Up post, hope you enjoy it. Here it goes;
Have you a ever just really wanted to step away, you know just take a breather?
Cause sometimes life’s got you so choked up that you feel so overwheled and all you want to do is drown and just let everything consume you, for just a moment, as you figure out a way to escape.
For the past few months that’s what I’ve been doing, drowning. I got so tired of everything I was doing and how my life was going that I just wanted life to stop for just a while.
Feeling so out of control on life and situation is so frustrating.
At the beginning of every year I always set out my plans and goals that I know can be achievable for that year. So let’s say every year I have a reach. I couldn’t reach half of my plans for this year. This year I was consumed with a lot of examinations, I had school exams and external exams, each occuring one after the other. One thing I tell myself anytime I’m having an exam is “I don’t know how to fail” It’s like my motto. This makes me put my back to whatever I’m doing. So I read and read excessively, sometimes I don’t sleep, I fall sick in the process,
I use my laptop to read so my eyes became weak, I’d have blurry vision and water comes out from my eyes when they itch, so I take yeast & eye drops. I can’t really look at screens for too long. Anyways my sister says the way I read is scary.
I just didn’t want to let myself down.
I stayed away from Social media sometimes, but I’d show a little face just to keep the brand going. I’d turn down invitations to be with my friends or to be anywhere. I concluded every exam in October, so you could imagine a back to back reading spree since March.
This was the problem;
I didn’t realize that I was letting the fear of failing consume me. I didn’t also realize that while I was winning in my academics I was failing at every other thing in life. It was June I hadn’t made a blog post. I turned down every I.v and it was August and I realized I had missed out on summer. Tbh I started feeling a little off about myself and like I had bitten off more than I could chew.
There was no time to relax and it felt like my head was all muffled up. I wanted to run away from my own skin and be some place else. I started feeling down and I wanted it all to end.Each time I’d post on social media I’d get really nice comments and peoole would text me saying they wish they were in my shoes, but honey sometimes my shoes really hurt and the constant facade of how I really felt hurt me that people couldnt see my truth.
So when the exams were over;
I was devastated and disappointed. I wasn’t were I wanted to be and I felt like I wouldn’t stop feeling like this. I was on the last stage of depression but I can’t kill myself. Sucide is selfish and I’d go to hell. So I’d always sit pretty and ask God to kill me. It’s dark I know. I’d be like “Why am I not dead?” , “Like Hello! free soul”, “Hey God, need an angel?” I was ready to just go, I didn’t care about my purpose anymore and I knew everyone would get over it.
I was drowning and letting myself do just that.
But I thank God for friends who are ready to pull you out of your misery. My friends were gifted to me by Jesus, they blessed me and helped me regain my stregnth. Now I don’t feel like drowning anymore. I am not really good at opening up to people or sharing how I feel. During the course of everything I was feeling like I had lost my close friends. The first week of November the emotions I had piled up were so overwhelming, I told God to take the feeling from me. So God opened up my heart to tell someone how I feel. I ended up telling three friends and gave them each a different subtopic under how I was feeling, cause I knew whom was going to help me out better in which aspect. And it worked, I feel better than ever and my emotional rollercoaster is over for good.
I owe it all to Jesus, cause that little prayer opened my heart to open my mouth to people who would help me get over myself.
I’m doing better now and I pray anyone feeling a little down about themselves should know they are not alone. Also there are people around you who could help you get better. I’m also here too.
Thank you all for reading this. Please leave your thoughts below and share also to anyone who needs it ??❤❤❤. I love you.